


Mirror Mirror

by androgynousclintbarton



Category: Naruto
Genre: Feels are had, Kakashi is not having a good day, M/M, Mentions of body dysmorphia, Trans Kakashi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-29
Updated: 2020-12-29
Packaged: 2021-03-11 00:09:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,762
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28406049
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/androgynousclintbarton/pseuds/androgynousclintbarton
Summary: Kakashi's mission with Team seven take's a turn for the worst when his binder is destroyed in a fight. He's not handling it very well when Gai shows up to check in on him.
Relationships: Hatake Kakashi/Maito Gai | Might Guy
Kudos: 86
Collections: KakaGai Week 2020 entries





	Mirror Mirror

_ Revolting. _

Keeping his eyes on the mirror in front of him, Kakashi struggled to keep his attention on the task at hand. He had a wound to stitch up, but no matter how hard he tried to focus his eyes always wandered. They continued to focus on the one part of his body that he hated. 

That one thing that didn’t belong.

_ Disgusting. _

It felt like there were still eyes on him. People watching and wondering as he passed through with a hand clutched over his chest, pinning his Jonin jacket closed in a desperate attempt to hide himself away. To conceal that part of him he was always trying to forget about.

The one thing that he hated about his own body. 

Even his own students had found themselves staring, though a small part of him tried desperately to remind himself that Sakura and Naruto had tried to ask him if he needed them to do anything. Something that would help make him just a little less uncomfortable.

He had been too desperate to get home and disappear from sight to even bother with their question, turning his back to the pair and heading off while Tenzo took care of collecting their target’s body and leading the rest of the team to Konoha. 

His eyes scanned back down to the deep wound on his chest. It would have been smart to go to the hospital to have it taken care of, or just to stop for a bit and let Sakura help him out. She had the skills needed to heal his wound, and then he wouldn’t be standing in front of a mirror at this moment trying to do it all himself.

Then of course, if he had stopped to let Sakura heal him he would have had to sit there with his hands at his sides trying desperately to ignore the fact that his binder was broken and everyone could see his chest. It would be impossible to keep himself covered while Sakura was working, and he could barely handle the thought of Naruto, Sakura and Sai seeing him like that.

Having a full view of his chest without his binder in place to keep everything flat. The way he was supposed to look.

No, that wasn’t an option, and the hospital would have been even worse. He could usually convince them to get Tsunade-sama for situations like this, but if she wasn’t available he had no idea who he would get stuck with and that wasn’t a risk that he was willing to take. 

Getting yelled at by Sakura or Tsunade-sama was a risk he was going to have to take this time. It was better than the alternatives, at least in his eyes. 

_ Idiot. _

His brain turned on him. Berated him for not getting this all fixed earlier so that he didn’t have to deal with these feelings anymore. So that he could look in the mirror and see the Hatake Kakashi that he was supposed to see, not a body that made him hate himself.

It was one simple surgery, why was he so afraid of going through with it? Why did his anxiety keep giving him mental images of all the ways he could die if he went in for just one surgery? 

Why were his hands shaking?

“Damn it!” Dropping the needle to the ground, he reached up and rubbed his eyes. Trying desperately to wrestle away the image that had burned itself into his mind. The one that he kept seeing in the mirror no matter how much he wished it would go away.

_ Repulsive. Sickening. Nauseating. _

The words kept running through his head, repeating themselves over and over again like a record that never ended. 

One broken binder and here he was. Standing in front of his mirror wondering why he was born into a body he hated so much. Why he couldn’t have just been born with a body that made him comfortable in his own skin.

“Kakashi?” Gai’s voice broke through his thoughts, pulling him back to the present and the task he was supposed to be trying to accomplish. Stitching up his chest wound. Except now he had two things to worry about. If Gai was in his apartment he was looking for him, and if he saw him in his current binderless situation…

No, that wasn’t an option.

Doing a 180 degree turn, Kakashi bolted forward and attempted to close the bathroom door, cursing when Gai’s hand suddenly appeared between the door and the frame and stopped him from successfully locking himself into the washroom.

Now he was stuck. There was no way he was going to be able to force the door closed; Gai was stronger than him. If he really wanted to he could shove the door open and Kakashi would have no chance of fighting it. 

That meant he had to go with his backup plan. Scanning the room he located his towel and dived for it, managing to wrap it around his chest just before Gai stepped into the room.

“I see Yamato was right to send me.” Tenzo, of course. He had probably worried his friend when he ran off in front of the team, but Tenzo still had a mission report to give and would likely want to take the rest of the team out for dinner to celebrate a successful mission. So he sent the only other person that had a chance of getting him to talk. “He told me you were hit.”

“He’s worrying too much,” Kakashi deflected. “I’m fine, Gai. Don’t you have somewhere better to be?”

Gai ignored him and took a step forward, which wasn’t at all surprising. There was no-one in the leaf who knew when Kakashi was lying to them better than Maito Gai. 

“Show me.” A request. The chance for Kakashi to open up and let Gai see the damage. He didn’t. Tightening his grip on the towel he held it even closer to his body and ignored the spike of pain when it brushed against the open wound. 

Gai hadn’t missed the wince though. Kakashi could tell that much when he closed the distance between them and gently laid his hands over Kakashi’s, asking for permission once again.

“Fine.” Dropping his hands to the side, Kakashi allowed the towel to pool by his feet so that Gai could have a clear look at the wound. Now exposed, Kakashi felt even worse than he had earlier. 

_ Uncomfortable _ .

A feeling he didn’t usually experience when he was with Gai. Gai, who made him feel loved and desired. Who reminded him every day that they were together that he was handsome and perfect.

Gai, who had never had one bad thing to say about him in all of the time they had known each other, even when he had every right to hate him. 

Standing there in front of the man he loved more than anything in the world. Who had seen him naked on multiple occasions when they made love, or even just when Gai managed to convince him to take his binder off for the night. He was uncomfortable having those beautiful eyes on him for the first time in years, and he hated it.

He wanted so desperately to cover up. Hide his body away from Gai and act like nothing was wrong, but he couldn’t. Gai had already seen the wound. His eyes were glued to the deep, bloody gash that Kakashi had only gotten partway through stitching before his mind had gotten the better of him and he’d stopped. 

“You should have gone to the hospital.” It was an observation rather than a scolding. “If this isn’t healed properly it could get infected.”

“I cleaned it.” A poor attempt to defend himself, but Kakashi knew he wasn’t on very stable ground regardless of how he approached the argument. He should have gone to the hospital, but for a man who was regarded as a tactical genius, he was so stupid when it came to his own health. The thought of anyone else seeing him made his skin crawl. Unwelcomed eyes examining a body he hated, judging him silently because no one was brave enough to say what they were thinking out loud.

Not if they wanted to live. 

Gai didn’t argue. Instead he searched the room for the needle that Kakashi had been using to stitch his wound. When he spotted it on the floor in front of the sink, he made his way over and knelt down to pick it up. Once it was in hand, Gai stood up again and carefully laid it down on top of Kakashi’s bathroom sink before turning to the first aid kit sitting open on the edge of his bathtub. 

Two needles. Every kit had two needles just in case, both wrapped up and kept sterile for immediate use. Thankfully Kakashi had only used the one he had just dropped since getting hit kit refilled after running out of too many things. It didn’t take Gai long to locate the second needle in his kit, making his way back over to him as he carefully peeled away the protective layer that kept it sterilized and started to thread some new thread through it. 

Kakashi could already hear the things Gai was going to say to him. How he was ‘the most handsome man in all of Konoha’ and how Gai ‘loved him no matter what.’

It didn’t make it any easier. It was nice to hear, of course. He liked knowing that Gai wasn’t going to leave him because of something he had no control over, but it didn’t take away the disgust when he looked at himself in the mirror.

No amount of kind words could make him feel like there wasn’t something wrong. Not when his mind screamed at him everytime he took off his binder. He hated his chest. It was revolting.

Out of place.

It didn’t belong to his body.

“You know, you could always get top surgery,” Gai’s voice cut through the silence. It would be a lie to say that he had never thought of that option, but there were so many factors to consider. The most important one being that he wasn’t comfortable being put under for any surgery at all. It left him vulnerable and exposed, a dangerous situation for any shinobi to be in. “It would make you feel better. I hate…”

_ Seeing you like this. _

_ Knowing that you’re uncomfortable. _

Nothing Kakashi hadn’t heard from his boyfriend before. They’d had these conversations a few times, though thankfully they usually only lasted a few minutes before Gai just gathered him into his arms and held on until Kakashi was feeling a little better.

A few minutes, a couple of hours. How long they stayed cuddled up on the floor depended on how bad his dysphoria was that day.

“You know how I feel about that.” Maybe one day. When things weren’t so hectic and he could actually afford the time off he’d need to recover, and when Gai could be there with him. If not Gai, at least Yamato. Someone he trusted to have his back while he was out cold. Until then, he’d suffer. Tsunade-sama wasn’t able to give him that amount of time off. Not when everything was going to shit all around them. She needed all hands on deck, and it had been like that almost all of his life. 

“It’s an option,” Gai offered, making his way back over to his side and holding the needle up. “If we sit down on the floor, I can finish for you.”

Taking the offer, Kakashi sat down right where he was and watched as Gai followed suit. As soon as they were both seated comfortably, Gai continued where Kakashi had left off, frowning when Kakashi’s first reaction was a wince as the needle pierced his skin.

“No, I didn’t take anything,” Kakashi answered before Gai could even ask the question. “Was in too much of a rush.”

Giving his head a shake Gai continued anyway. Both of them had been forced to stitch their wounds without any pain killers countless times before, so this was nothing new. It just wasn’t usually a preferred course of action.

“You know what I love?” Kakashi diverted his eyes. It was obvious where Gai was going with this and he wasn’t sure it was something that he wanted to hear. “Your smile.”

Placing his hands over his ankles, Kakashi stared down at the ground and tried his best not to pull away when the needle pierced his skin again.

“I also love your hair. And the little lines around your eyes when you close them.” For the first time in hours Kakashi could feel a small smile tugging at the side of his lips. “But I think my favourite thing about you has to be your kiss.”

As he said it, Gai leaned in to steal a quick kiss, careful to keep his hands steady so he didn’t pierce Kakashi with the needle anywhere it wasn’t supposed to go. Settling his hands on Gai’s chest, Kakashi twisted his fingers into soft green fabric and held him for just a second longer. Holding onto the sweet taste of Gai’s kiss just a moment longer before finally releasing his grip on his jumpsuit.

“Why are you like this,” he grumbled under his breath. “How can you love me when I look…”

_ Wrong. _

Gai just smiled. Kakashi already knew the answer he would give; it was always the same.

_ Because you’re Kakashi. You’re perfect. _

Kakashi never believed him. How could he when he couldn’t look at himself in the mirror without feeling disgusted by the man he saw staring back at him. Still, Gai was here. He had always stayed by his side no matter what, helping him pick out new binders as he grew. Standing by his side the first time he bought himself a packer. Even holding his hand when Tsunade-sama gave him his first testosterone shot, and celebrating for a bit when Kakashi started to grow a beard before promptly telling him to shave it off because it was too scratchy for kisses.

“I just…” The words refused to come up. How was he supposed to describe how it made him feel? Gai would be horrified. He always worked so hard to help Kakashi see himself in a brighter light. To combat the depression that Kakashi had been dealing with since he was five, in any small way that he could.

How was he supposed to tell Gai that he hated anything about his own body, when Gai loved everything about him so deeply and passionately?

“Kakashi,” another weave of the needle through his skin as Gai spoke up, “I know this is hard for you. I can see the way you look at yourself in the mirror after you spend the night with me, and how you squirm away from me when I convince you to take off your binder at my place. I know you don’t like it.”

Gai was right. Of course he was right, but it didn’t change the fact that Kakashi had missions to do and his own fears with being put under for surgery. Even if he could get the necessary time off to get top surgery, which seemed highly unlikely, he’d be alone. No one to watch over him while he was unconscious. Tenzo and Gai would both have to cover for the missions he couldn’t do while he was getting the surgery and recovering. He’d be alone.

He hated the thought of being alone and vulnerable, even in Konoha. 

_ Disgusting. Revolting. Nauseating. _

Over and over again until something else caught his attention just for a moment. Long enough for him to realize the time and rush to shower and finish dressing before stumbling out the door to start his day.

“When you’re ready we’ll get it fixed.” He didn’t need an explanation. It was clear that Gai was talking about him finally getting top surgery. It was the only way to really fix the problem after all. “Until then…”

Gai’s eyes scanned back down to his chest, and his fingers continued to work on stitching up the wound that had led to all of these problems in the first place.

“Well, until then I’ll just have to keep reminding you of how much I love you.”

At least there was something good to look forward to. He could handle that. 


End file.
